Relationships between modern day mothers and their daughters in Malawi are quite different from those of moms born in the 50s and 60s.
While the baby boomers preferred to keep things close to their chests, millennial mums are more open and prefer to tell their children everything.
Due to the influence of what others term as “western culture” and “technological influences”, relationships between today’s mothers and daughters are starkly different and are not always considered culturally appropriate.
In Malawi, under the dictatorial leadership of the first head of state, Dr Hastings Kamuzu Banda, who ruled the country between 1964 and 1994, children were expected to be obedient to their parents, to dress modestly as prescribed by the regime. Wearing trousers or anything short in those days was unheard of and was against the laws of the land. Information about a lot of things was restricted, and there was no television until the year 1999.
Children were raised under strict control, usually by the mother, until they left home. Parents during this time were scared of being questioned or threatened by people who were connected to politicians. Former President of Malawi Kamuzu Banda wouldn’t allow girls to roam around anyhow – instead, they were encouraged to stay home and cook for their parents. That time there was no internet for girls to learn more about how the world works, for them cultural practices were their first priority to learn.
I will call my first interviewee Madalo Banda, 40, because she asked for anonymity. She is from Chimoka Village in Traditional Authority Chitukula in Lilongwe, and says as a modern day mother, she has 7 children three boys and 3 daughters. I met Banda at the market where she was selling beans and vegetables.
Banda started explaining more about her problems where I got a chance to ask about the relationship she has between her and her daughters.
Banda doesn’t see any problem telling her daughters about the changes that take place in their body as they grow up as this promotes a good relationship between her and her daughters.
“I want my daughters to feel free to ask me about everything that is bothering them. This I believe fosters our relationship and helps them to know the difference between the right and the wrong.”
“I will give you an example, if your daughter knows more about the dangers of sleeping around with boys they will know the result of doing that. They will know what happens to girls during adolescent stage, and that if she is not careful, she can get unwanted pregnancies, or diseases. That’s why I must be open to my daughters,” she added.
Banda also shared about her relationship between her and her second born daughter, who is learning at Chimutu Primary School in Lilongwe. She said she is having problems directing her to the right path because her daughter is always making her life miserable. “I can’t hide my second born daughter doesn’t listen to anyone, I had tried and am trying till today but to no avail. She once got pregnant from a young boy. I thought by getting pregnant she would learn something, but no. Before she got pregnant she used to roam around with boys coming home late. What surprised me was that we could exchange words, and instead of listening to me, she would pay no heed to whatever I was advising her.”
“Despite all these circumstances I have never stopped telling them everything that my girls should know, especially what is happening during adolescent stage and what should be done and not be done,” she said.
On the changing mother-daughter relationship in Malawi, Foundation for Children’s Rights Executive Director, Jeniffer Mkandawire, says social media has had a huge impact on family values and cultural norms. This ranges from mental health and failure by most parents in providing alternative guidance to girls, especially teens. The body ideals being portrayed on TikTok, Instagram or Facebook are mostly believed to be real and affect their thinking about what is right.
“Children are changing their way of life [due to what they are exposed to on social media] including their eating habits. If no one builds their confidence, they may end up being affected mentally,” she said.
She further said that social media exposes them to cyberbullying which negatively affects their mental health, and urges parents to monitor their children’s use of technology.
Idah Genala, a 67-year-old woman from Sandram Village in the area of Traditional Authority Chitukula on the outskirts of Malawi’s capital Lilongwe, says her daughter was obedient and respected her.
“If a child was disobedient, we would whip him or her or punish them in one way or the other. Today’s children have rights you can’t do that to them,” said Genala.
Genala further explains that in a pre-social media age in Malawi, some information was reserved for older girls and was only divulged when the girls became of age. For example, information about menstruation, pregnancy and child bearing was given to her daughter during her adolescent stage. “Whenever our children asked where babies came from, we would say, they are bought at the hospital. I used to feel shy to tell my child these issues. I had to send her to their aunt to advise her and to tell her what to do when she reached puberty,” she said.
But things have changed, a mother might try to conceal information from their daughter but they will still find out through their education curriculum which has a sex education component, through television and social media.
Genala further argues that it’s wrong to tell your daughter about everything that’s why they end up doing bad things. “Nowadays due to openness, to your daughter you find out that those children feel like they know everything and they can take care of themselves. Young girls get pregnant and diseases at a young age because they are being told everything” she added.
Nineteen-year-old Martha Gwede, a student at Mkwichi Secondary school in the capital Lilongwe says her relationship with her mother is good. This has helped her to work hard at school because her mother is always there for her. Her Mum advises her on how to take care of herself and to avoid things that can destroy her life and future. ”My mother tells me everything I have to know. This includes information about sex and friendships. My mother has also taught me to avoid being influenced by social media saying it can affect my mental health and education,” she added.
Madalo Banda, 40, from Chimoka Village in Traditional Authority Chitukula in Lilongwe, says as a modern day mother, she doesn’t see any problem telling her daughter about the changes that take place in her body as she grows up as this promotes a good relationship between her and her daughter.
“I want my daughters to feel free to ask me about everything that is bothering her. This I believe fosters our relationship and helps her to know the difference between the right and the wrong.
“I will give you an example, if your daughter knows more about the dangers of sleeping around with boys they will know the result of doing that. They will know what happens to girls during adolescent stage, and that if she is not careful, she can get unwanted pregnancies, or diseases. That’s the reason I must be open to my daughters,” she added.
Journalist and communications specialist Teleza Ndanga is more on the side of “Team Open.” She argues that good communication is a foundation of better understanding, and mother and daughter relationships can be improved with good communication between two sides.
Times are changing in Malawi, but the importance of the mother-daughter relationship remains. Hopefully, both sides can find a positive way forward that honours the past and tradition while creating space for new norms.