TW: Discussion of pregnancy loss and suicide
My family includes my husband and 1.5-year-old baby boy.
Falling pregnant was not easy for us. It took us almost one year to fall pregnant after multiple trials and disappointments. Over a year prior, I had a miscarriage in the first trimester, which was quite a raw, traumatic experience.
The pregnancy was a pleasant and welcome surprise, but when I fell pregnant, I had COVID-19 which was physically and psychologically exhausting.
I was in my final year of medical school, studying 100km away from home. Despite this, I was confident that I would be able to cope well.
Physical and mental health challenges during pregnancy
At around seven weeks pregnant, I started getting severe morning sickness which resulted in hyperemesis gravidarum (severe nausea and vomiting in pregnancy). I took two months off university as I was unable to cope with the constant nausea, extreme fatigue, no appetite and vomiting without relief for weeks.
I was told the morning sickness should dissipate by the second trimester or at least by the 20th week. Unfortunately, this did not happen, and it continued until delivery of my baby. By the 23rd week of pregnancy, I was extremely exhausted, and my energy reserves were low.
I was taking a cocktail of medication to cope. I developed a severe drug reaction to one of the medications. It caused restlessness, agitation, depression, and thoughts of suicide. Despite my medical background, I was blinded to this potential reaction.
I was crying daily, I could not get out of bed, my energy levels were low, I was unable to eat or drink and I was in and out of hospital for intravenous (IV) fluids. Worst of all, I kept having thoughts of suicide due to the helplessness of the situation.
We were living very far away from my supportive family, and they were constantly worried. My husband was working long hours to support us, and this difficult time had a severe impact on our relationship. I was also feeling stressed about university and my goal to finish school and start as new chapter.
It was challenging when everything I had planned and hoped for was out of my control. The combination of everything took a mental toll on me.
Finding the right services to support me
I had a wonderful mentor in university who was an obstetrician/gynaecologist. She told me I should not be suffering alone and that I could seek help. She referred me to a hyperemesis clinic and through this clinic I was able receive IV fluid therapy from home which greatly improved the nausea, vomiting, hydration, and energy levels.
Every day my husband would come to me curled up, which made him more worried and frustrated. He took the initiative to take me to the doctor to seek advice. At this point, we realised what the medication had done to me, and I quickly stopped taking it. I was able to get a mental health care plan and had a video telehealth conference with psychologist.
My husband encouraged me to contact Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia (PANDA). I called the PANDA Helpline multiple times for counselling as I waited for my appointment with my psychologist. The counsellor listened to me and offered non-judgemental, very kind, very patient, empathetic support.
How things improved once I found support
After I found the right support, things felt manageable. Although there were rough times, having the right support provided me with the insight that what I was going through would likely end/improve at some point after delivery.
My condition improved around eight months of pregnancy. I passed university and was able to attend my graduation. Although the symptoms were still there, the strategies that I had in place helped me cope and make adjustments during the pregnancy.
Since the birth of my baby boy Arthur, I am able to reflect back to those challenging times of my pregnancy. The light at the end was having my previous beautiful son. Something I would never trade anything for, and I would have gone through again to have him.
How I look after my wellbeing now
To support your mental health now, I use mindfulness, personal reflection and see my psychologist. I have me-time – not as a wife or mother, but as myself. I do my skin routine, and I reward myself for small achievements.
Don’t let anyone discount what you are going through. You are a strong person, and you will make it through. Speak to someone, seek some help and get better.
PANDA Helpline is available on 1300 726 306 (9am-7:30pm Monday-Friday and 9am – 4pm Saturday) or panda.org.au