As I steadily veer closer towards the end of my 20s and the world shifts into a ticking time bomb, I can’t help but think back to the gentler era of my teenage years. I’d flood my dopamine receptors on Tumblr by reblogging snaps of oil-slicked puddles, GIFs of whatever queer-baiting TV show was relevant at the time, and — of course — Wattpad fanfiction featuring my favourite celebrity crushes. More often than not, they were about One Direction.
It’s odd to admit this now, as a lesbian woman, but my wee teenage self was obsessed with the ill-fated UK boy band. Zayn Malik (indisputably the hottest member) was my favourite, and I keep finding myself reminiscing over my Directioner memories with fellow former fans who, as luck would have it, all happen to identify as lesbian or sapphic themselves.
My friend Sarah put this experience into words pretty succinctly: “From 16 years old onwards it was, ‘I’m a lesbian — except for Harry Styles’.”
What is it about boy bands and teenage heartthrobs that captivate such a loyal lesbian audience? Do we all still secretly wish we looked like circa 2015 Justin Bieber? To celebrate this year’s Lesbian Visibility Day, I gathered up my WLW (Women Loving Women) mates to discuss this all-too-common phenomenon and try to get to the real roots of it all.
Firstly, it’s a commonly accepted fact that male pop stars are intrinsically linked to the girlhood experience — even in their absence. You either grew up as “not like other girls” and gleefully shared screenshots that disparaged a then-teenage Bieber, or you were an entirely devoted fan. In the early-to-mid 2010s, there really wasn’t a middle ground. “I think when you’re young there’s something so exciting about artists that are similar to your age group. It makes them feel almost relatable,” said Ash, a friend who gushed about 1D with me back in high school.
Unsurprisingly, fans of boy bands almost entirely consisted of a female audience, and building community was a core principle of its fandom culture. “I knew I liked One Direction’s music but also the world they created, the jokes, the dynamics, the culture of being a fan,” said Sarah. “I felt connected to fans around the world who I saw myself in, where I might not have in real life.” This sentiment was also shared by Ash, and touched on the benefits of stars catering to an all-female audience; “Because they were marketed towards young girls’ music tastes it made both Justin Bieber and One Direction’s music quite campy,” she said.
It also cannot be understated that listening to buttery vocals sing about beautiful girls can wreak havoc on one’s heteronormative mindset, as I can recall dedicating songs to whoever I was crushing on at the time inside my mind via Zayn’s delivery (albeit without his edgy charm). I would never alter the pronouns in a song’s lyrics or fantasise about boys when humming along, almost as if I was using 1D’s repertoire as a vehicle to explore my own queerness. “In retrospect, I realise that I was drawn to male celebrities because they are something unattainable to me,” said Eden, a 5SOS-loving lesbian. “There’s an aspect of feeling included in something, where you’re not the odd one out, and where you also don’t have to fully face your queerness yet or maybe even realise it just yet.”
Talking with my mates about this concept was utterly fascinating, as each person either came to similar conclusions that I did about this topic, or introduced me to new talking points that I hadn’t yet considered. “I think loving boy bands was probably my way of expressing gender identity in a subconscious way,” said Amy, who goes by they/them pronouns. “Revisiting the bands over the years has influenced my gender expression — in fact, allowing me to express femininity a little more without worrying about being seen as a woman.”
All in all, the boy band-obsessive to lesbian adult pipeline is something that will continue to play out through the minds of many closeted teenagers for years to come. Some might become fans as a means to explore their own gender identity and orientation, or maybe they’ll use their fan title as a way to ‘prove’ that their last-remaining strands of heteronormativity are still there. Growing up gay is complicated.
“I’d tell my younger self to not be so defensive over the ‘girly’ things you like,” said Amy. “Engage with them more genuinely, and maybe you would have seen yourself in them earlier and not wasted so much time trying to pretend.”
I still have such fondness for 1D, and it’ll remain in a soft spot of my soul forever. The band itself only lasted six years, but you can still catch me and the rest of my mates bumping our favourite tracks to this day, carabiners in tow, embracing the glorious cringe of it all.
