It’s a habit I’ve had since I was young and wired in my brain, and one I’ve genuinely found hard to shake. There is literally nothing I dread more than letting someone down. So I say yes, and yes, and yes again.
We recently had psychologist Rashida Dungarwalla from Flow State Space on our podcast to unpack the psychology of people pleasing. She explained that people pleasers often default to going with the flow. It’s a response that’s commonly known as “fawning”.
“We’ve all probably heard of fight, flight and freeze – those survival responses we lean on to stay safe. But there are a few others too: fawn, fine and flop. So they’re often called the six F’s,” she said.
“We don’t choose which one we go into – our body makes a quick assessment of the situation and responds accordingly. Fawning is essentially chronic people pleasing. And its roots often go back to situations where being agreeable, shrinking yourself, or going along with things was necessary to get through.”
A few years into building a startup – one that’s beginning to turn a corner and gain real momentum – I’ve found myself at a bit of a crossroads. What happens when someone who’s always been seen as “the nice one” starts to shift? What happens when you begin protecting your time, your energy, and the thing you’ve poured blood, sweat and tears into?
I’ve always wanted to be liked. Friendly, warm, easy to work with. But lately I’ve realised that when a people pleaser starts backing themselves, it’s noticeable. And not always in a positive way.
Even the smallest changes, like an email that’s more direct than bubbly (!!!), a no instead of a yes, can land differently with people who are used to you being a people pleaser and an agreeable “yes” person. Suddenly, you’re not even seen as firm, you’re seen as cold. Harsh, or even bitchy.
Rashida also spoke to us about how this shift can impact relationships – both personally, and professionally.
“One of the things I talk to clients about when they start practising being more assertive – when they begin advocating for themselves or stop automatically agreeing with everything – is the grief that can come with it. Some relationships may change. Some might not continue,” she said.
“That’s not to say people have been intentionally taking advantage of you – but if you’ve been showing up in a very agreeable, passive way, that can draw in people who are used to, or even benefit from, that dynamic… when you start to shift, it may challenge the way they relate to you.”
The hope, she says, is that the people around you can see the change for what it is – an attempt to stand up for yourself – and support you through it.
I’m slowly learning how to be more firm – in work, in friendships, and even in how I speak to myself. And as expected, some dynamics have shifted. Not in a dramatic “falling-out” kind of way, but more of the recalibration kind. And at times, that’s been confronting – at least for me, as someone who was anxious about controlling how people perceived me.
But here’s the truth: As a startup founder, if you’re always bending, always saying yes, always showing up no matter what – it’s not just going to lead you to the inevitable burnout. It’s also going to be detrimental for your business.
So yes, I still see myself as a people pleaser in recovery. And yes, I still overdo it on the exclamation marks in my emails or apologise for no reason (sorry). But I’m learning that backing yourself isn’t selfish or rude. It’s necessary, particularly in the startup ecosystem. As a female founder, I’m trying to master the balancing act of being true to myself, but also backing myself and being firm when I need to be. And if that changes how people see me? Well, then that’s okay too.
Top photo – Pictured: Phoebe Saintilan-Stocks, Source: Missing Perspectives
