Growing up as a teen of the 2010s I was always extremely aware of queer culture, as I remember watching shows like Glee, Smash, and Queer Eye and marvelling over how accepting and joyous these queer found families seemed. When I realised I was asexual at the age of 21 during 2020 lockdown (a canon event), I was initially really excited to explore queer spaces and find my people. But the first time I went out to a queer event in 2021 was also the first time I experienced prejudice from another queer person. Since that night, my experiences have only gotten worse, and I now find myself scared in queer spaces.
If someone forced me to choose between going to a queer bar and a straight bar, I am genuinely unsure of which is the lesser of two, well saying evils is very extreme so let's just say the lesser of two shitshows.
I mean, at a straight bar I would likely be objectified and leered at but I would be able to whip out my favourite party trick; when a man is talking to me I will steer the conversation to jobs and when they ask what I do, I drop the asexual bomb and within 90 seconds they will have moved on to their next victim. Works every time (except once but in all fairness I don’t think they knew what asexuality was and thought I said “sexuality”).
And on the other hand, if I am to go to a queer event it’s likely to start off with many laughs and good energy, but by the end of the night I would have at some point had my asexual identity invalidated by other people in the queer community. This has happened at every single queer event that I have ever gone to.
I have been told that asexuality doesn’t exist, that I am not “really queer”, and experienced people making tasteless and unfunny jokes at my community's expense.
So, as the self-appointed asexual Carrie Bradshaw, I couldn't help but wonder if queer spaces will ever be asexual friendly?
Off the bat I need to emphasise that exclusionary behaviours are not some new development in queer spaces. Queer women, trans and gender non conforming folks, queer disabled people and people of colour have all reported feelings of exclusion in queer spaces. Whilst it is not my place to speak to most of those issues, it is extremely worth noting. But what I will always speak about is asexual erasure, and its prevalence in our world.
So why is it exactly that queer spaces are not welcoming for aspec people?
Well, as a surprise to nobody I am going to bring this back to misogyny! Most (not all) queer people classify themselves as queer based on sexual attraction. Sex is a relatable concept and a lucrative commodity. From rainbow capitalism to tokenisation, queer people have been viewed as a valuable demographic in part due to how defining yourself by sexual attraction is both profitable and relatable. Women have historically been viewed within the male gaze and hypersexualised. So an asexual woman existing is challenging to the status quo given that she exists outside the confines of sexualisation and attraction.
Also the very idea that one can call themselves ‘queer’, despite feeling very little-to-no sexual attraction, can be seen as contradictory by some people in the queer community. I mean, being queer equates to same-sex attraction right?
So fucking incorrect, as this ignores trans, gender diverse, and intersex people who rightfully belong in the queer community.
So what can be done to help make queer spaces more asexual friendly?
Well you are in luck! I have created a little how-to guide!
Education matters!
Taking time to expand your own horizons and preconceived notions can do wonders for developing understanding and empathy for other groups of people. There are many fantastic asexual advocates out there who so many people could learn a thing or two from. Some suggestions are; Yasmin Benoit, Alice Oseman, Caroline Elisabeth Cull, Sounds Fake Podcast, and Luka Muller. Also me lol.
Be respectful of rejection
If you go up to someone in a queer space and start flirting but they are not interested, do not then assume they are straight and as such do not deserve to be there. The combination of being sexualised and then invalidated can be really disheartening for acespec people. They just want to have a good time and belong.
Do not make queerness into the oppression olympics
A queer person does not have to have faced severe discrimination in order to call themselves queer and occupy these spaces. They do not owe you their life story, nor their trauma.
Don’t be ignorant, use the internet
There is such a vast wealth of information at your fingertips, please for the love of Chappell Roan, use it.
Talk less, listen more
Instead of speaking over asexual people and giving your two cents, how about practising active listening? I won’t speak for all asexual people but it gets awfully tiring to be yelling into a void when it feels like no one wants to hear what you have to say.
So here's to hoping that one day I can go into a queer space without wondering what microaggression I will be privy to, but to be frank, I am not holding my breath.