Season three of Netflix's Heartstopper at times was like watching a horror movie, or a psychological thriller. It felt like around each corner one of your worst fears could be hiding. These fears however are not regular fears like death or bugs, but instead far more personal and introspective. At some point or another during the season all of my biggest fears about being asexual were showcased, and I have never been so glad to have my fears represented.
Since Heartstopper premiered it has always been an envelope pusher in terms of queer representation in the media. From comphet, to gender dysphoria, they have it all! But the storyline that has always been extra special to me is Isaac’s. Isaac is the resident aroace (aromantic asexual) member of the friend group, scarcely seen without a book in his hand and a cute sweater vest on. And even more notable, he is one of the two asexual characters to grace our screens in 2024, alongside Heartbreak High’s Ca$h.
Last season we saw Isaac come to the realisation that he identifies as asexual and aromantic, and this season follows his journey with coming to terms with his identity, and how that impacts his friendships and his future. Much of the season shows Isaac being a perpetual third wheel to his coupled-up friendship group, and being frustrated that he feels less important because he is ace.
Feeling as if you are not enough, not important enough, not interesting enough, not full enough, this often goes hand-in-hand with being asexual. In a world where dating, love and sex are prized above all else, it can be really disheartening knowing that because you don’t regard those things as highly as everyone else, that you will always have a life viewed as lesser.
And sometimes as an asexual person, I really do worry that my life is not enough. I can have the most fabulous life, a dream job, the best friends a gal could ask for, the most supportive family, a bitchin wardrobe, a plethora of Miffy toys, but still I find myself worrying that my life will always be less lived than those around me. I know logically that this is a stupid fear and that romance and sex does not equate a rich and experienced life, but given how prevalent the idea that these things are the most important parts of life, how am I not supposed to internalise that my life is not enough?
I think that for many asexual people, there’s a clock in the back of their head slowly ticking down the seconds until all of their friends partner up and abandon them, or at least I know this clock is there for me. It is all well and good to be one another’s ride or die in your youth, but when people settle down and have families, I know that my life is not going to look like theirs and that is a bleak reality that I will have to mourn.
Isaac bemoans being the backup friend, and feeling like they are always going to be a second choice to everyone around them, even getting into a fight with Tao about his feelings of isolation in the group. The sadness that comes from being no one's number one is truly indescribable. Realising that every other person around you has someone else more significant than you is another reality that I have had to come to terms with this year. Whilst you can surround yourself with plentiful people to keep you company, you know that someday things and priorities will change and you will likely be on your own.
Another fear that Heartstopper evoked in me is the fear that I am going to have to spend the rest of my life educating those around me about asexuality. When Charlie questioned why Isaac didn’t want to tell everyone why he is asexual, Isaac responded with a quote that I want on my tombstone; “Honestly I just can’t be bothered to give everyone a vocab lesson”.
Educating people about asexuality has been at the forefront of my life for the better part of two years. I love being able to bring awareness to asexuality but I do wonder if there will ever be a point where I am not constantly having to educate people and make people aware, because it can get tiring when it feels like no one wants to listen. I know this is a common feeling for many marginalised groups, wishing that you could stop fighting for a spec of awareness, understanding and acceptance. I just don’t think until Isaac said those words, that I realised just how tired I am of having to always be the one to teach.
Heartstopper is one of those magical shows that strikes a perfect balance of being heartwarming, funny, and joyous whilst also tackling serious issues and providing groundbreaking representation, and I will always be so grateful to Alice Oseman, the author of the Heartstopper books, for creating this safe haven.
Whilst saying that this show actualises my fears might sound like a negative thing, it is actually the opposite. The ability to feel so wholly represented and seen by a piece of media as an asexual person feels like a privilege - and yes I am aware that it should be the norm. The idea that this show can lift the burden of educating and bringing awareness to asexuality off the asexual communities’ backs is so elating. So thank you Heartstopper for so accurately portraying my deepest insecurities, and I look forward to the day when we get to see more ace joy on our screens.