Dee Salmin has carved out a space on the triple j podcast, The Hook Up, where she speaks candidly about everything from love, sex, dating and relationships. Her fans and legion of followers – 29,000 of them on Instagram, by the way – have grown to love the 31-year-old’s takes on these topics, along with her unique style and approach to up-cycling.
Yet, her new book, It’s Not Love, Actually: How To Find The Life and Love You Deserve, takes the writer back to her teen years. Describing it as “part memoir, part manifesto, and a bit of a dating guide”, Dee says penning this book allowed her to revisit what romance and love looked like for her… well before she began dating her current partner, Collingwood player Darcy Moore.
“It’s something that I kind of wrote to my 17-year-old-self,” Dee tells Sunny Adcock and Allie Daisy King during a sit-down chat on Missing Perspectives podcast, Booksmart.
“When I was 17, I was really struggling. I had been single my whole life, and I always felt like everyone around me was getting boyfriends and hooking up, and it was something that I was really kind of struggling with,” she says. “And I turned a lot to, you know, dating guides to try and figure out, like, ‘Okay, well, how do I get the guy?’”
From encouraging a female reader to “make yourself small” and “don’t be too bossy and don’t be too loud”, to framing being single as a temporary phase after which “you’re going to meet the one and… live happily ever after”, these apparent dating guides didn’t truly serve Dee. Having explored herself and relationships over the past decade, Dee felt compelled to fill a gap by writing a book that doesn’t shun the concept of being single, but instead emphasises how it can cultivate personal growth and joy.
“I read all of these books and consumed all of this advice. And I just felt, on reflection now as someone in her 30s, how dangerous all of it was,” she explains. “And how much it led to some really awful and not so great relationships.
“I didn’t feel like this existed,” she continues, gesturing toward It’s Not Love, Actually. “There wasn’t a guide out there that really focused on how incredible it is to be single, and also how to build up your self-worth and your self-love in a world that tells women that they are less than if they don’t have a male partner.”
For Booksmart host Sunny, seeing practical tips as well as raw and relatable anecdotes, made it a resonating read.
“I really appreciated how extensive the range of topics were that you covered in your book,” Sunny tells Dee. “I think a lot of the time when releases come out that sort of pitch themselves as dating guides for women… it’s that thing of, is it going to be like ‘here are the things that you’re doing wrong’ or is it going to maybe skim over the real pressures that women face to be in relationships? Or is it going to be hugely anecdotal and not as practical?
“And I thought you hit the nail on the head. I feel like your anecdotes, both yours and the anecdotes of other people as well – which is something we want to talk about later – were super relevant and super informative,” she continues.
“But you also offer such great practical advice without feeling like, ‘Oh my gosh, now I feel like I’m not doing enough or I’ve got to sit and do this’. Like, I actually felt really empowered reading it, and I literally sat in a park for two hours and I was taking notes.”
As Sunny commends the book’s inclusion of insights from theorists, feminists, scholars and academics, Dee says this was absolutely intention and front of mind when she set out to write the book.
“I was really adamant on being like, no, this is going to be really grounded in research and science and practical tips that will at least hopefully get the reader to the end and be like, ‘I’ve taken at least something away’.”
As the interview progresses, Dee also shares some of her favourite reads and her experience in writing. Of course, the conversation naturally circles back to It’s Not Love, Actually, and Allie emphasises that it will “help so many people and be such a fantastic tool”.
“I think it is such a perfect snapshot of what dating culture is like in 2026, definitely internationally as well but in Australia, especially. “And the sort of low-effort dating culture that is here and the hook-Up culture… I feel like it’s really captured this perfect, like zeitgeist moment.
“I’m asexual… and so I’m reading this and – we need to get more into this is – I’m like deeply judgemental of some of these anecdotes in it,” Allie laughs. As she explains there were moments that utterly frustrated her as she read about Dee and other people’s experiences and anecdotes in the book, she was equally hooked.
“I want to tear my hair out but I’m also so engaged and captivated,” she says. “It’s something that is universal to everyone, even if they aren’t dating because it’s something that is so interesting and they know people who it can apply to, and they also can relate in different ways.
“I feel like I took away a lot of stuff from it.”
Of course, these snippets only skim the surface of Sunny and Allie’s chat with Dee which was equal parts empowering and entertaining. To hear the full interview, listen to Booksmart on Spotify or wherever you stream your podcasts. It’s Not Love, Actually: How To Find The Life and Love You Deserve by Dee Salmin is out now.
Top photo – Pictured: Dee Salmin, Source: Photo: Booksmart/Missing Perspectives